I said a penny for your thoughts and you gave me 2-cents-worth.

If only I had the patience and perseverance, I would have been a teacher.  But, I don't love teaching. What I love is "sharing'.

I love to watch and learn from history. When I was a student, I hated history. Reading wasn't my favorite thing. I learn from movements + sounds... not from letters. Now that I had access to history and discovery channels, it's like missing out on a huge bunch of ice cream and pastries.

I love to listen to elder people's chatting. Their simple stories were so profound and worth archiving, ready for retrieving when needed. I love to listen to other people's experiences. Everything, from love life, child-rearing, recipes, planting, arts, music, and failures-and-successes.  The very recent ones were from history channel's "The Innovators: Men Who Built America".  Learning the stories of Vanderbilt, Rockefeller, Carnegie, JP Morgan, and Ford were like unearthing billion-dollars-worth of treasure.  These men were just amazing: they all started (except Morgan) from nothing, they came from families with no responsible father to provide for them, they sacrificed playing for working for their families, gambled what they had for something they strongly believed in while others tell them it's impossible, failed a couple of times and in-debt. Failure was a very common word, but what distinguishes them from others was PERSEVERANCE.  They, simply, didn't stop believing and chose to hold on to their idea. It's just a matter of how big you wanna dream, and how hard you wanna work.

Becoming a mom made a teacher out of me.  As with other moms, the more competitive you are, the harder the push you give to your kids to take home those medals or trophies from inter-school competitions, annual moving-up ceremonies down to the title "Munting Lakan" or "Munting Lakambini".  One day, we were watching an episode from sailor moon: the villain said, "Kasalanan ito ng mga magulang na walang ibang ginawa kundi ang itulak ang kanilang mga anak na maging top" (something like that), then Hans said, "Ikaw yan mommy, eh".  As if naman talagang study lang siya all day na hindi nakakahawak ng any toy the whole time, duh.  Kids are persons, too, you know... they have different ways to learn so you got to give different teaching methods.  Believe me, sometimes, I just want to let go so he'd know how he'd feel without a medal, but at the end of the day, I'd prefer to hold on (???).

Back in school days, the most effective study-strategy for me was taking notes. As I was compelled to read books, I wrote my own notes to help me memorize. And it did work.  I simply needed to let out the learning that just went in. Up to this day, I get overwhelmed with all the brand new knowledge and I just need to share them so they could have a better slot in my blunt memory.  It's just sad that I've got no one of the same level of interest at the confines of my home to listen to me.

On things that I am most passionate about: weddings, music, child-care, love-life... nothing gives me pleasure  than giving service and sharing what I know.  Often times I don't have the peso sign to give, so I honor the newly weds with gifts of service by doing wedding planning and coordination.  I care for the music ministry in the church so much that I go out of my way (and sometimes, others' ways) to share what I know about music.  I get so much elated with babies that I share my experience and resources for baby-nurturing.  The list goes on and on including experiences in love; the values I hold on to, the things I believe in...

My joy is from people's sweet smiles for these unsolicited advice and service. But were there times when people didn't appreciate because all they needed was a penny-worth of my thoughts?  As perky as I can be, according to my brother-in-law, I also believe that I possess a high quality of built-in censor in me that'll help me feel when there's something going on in another person. That oops, I crossed my boundaries and it's time for me to back-off.

You see, there's a very fine line between crossing boundaries and caring.  Love fuels unsolicited advice.  But sometimes, I sense people not needing them then they get offended instead. As much as I enjoy sharing my knowledge and service to express my love and care, if people get hurt, then my penny-worth would be useless and turn into two-cents-worth which people hate. But I get them, ako rin naman, ayoko rin ng may nakekealam sakin. Really, it's a reality check, sometimes, it's better not to care so they won't mistake it from crossing boundaries.

I Have A Goodly Heritage

#1 on my list of 'difficult songs' to sing is "I Have A Goodly Heritage".  I tune in to Baptist Radio Network via Live 365 and this song has always been in their playlist. I felt the love from the very first time I heard it. I looked for a sheet music or chords, but there was none.  Instead, I stumbled on this blog and the actual song-writer commented. Leah Sandlin wrote the song in honor of her godly parents.


This song has touched so many families and sang in various congregations.  Been so blessed by the song. 

I HAVE A GOODLY HERITAGE

I may not have riches as some others may

But I have a mother who knows how to pray

There may be some things I've missed in my youth

But I have a father who stands for the truth

I have a good-ly heritage

I'm blessed with things you can'-t see

I _ have a goodly heritage

And that is worth far more _ to me

And if in the future, my parents pass on,

To dwell in that City we've come to call Home

They may not leave me the wealth of this world

But I will inherit their God and His Word

I have a good-ly heritage

I'm blessed with things you can'-t see

I _ have a goodly heritage

And that is worth far more _ to me

For Mama

You were up before the roosters do to prepare breakfast for us. I never find this special until I saw my classmates buy snacks instead.

You preferred washing our clothes with your bare hands to give maximum care to our delicates although papa bought you the best washing machine then. I never realized that this was noble until I was breathless and exhausted washing boyet's big shirt... I'll never try it again :-P

You watched cooking shows when we're young and always tried different dishes for us. I never thought this was fun until I ate the same thing every week.

You don't send us to school without a cute ponytail. I never thought this was good grooming until I do masterpieces on Bea each day.

You made sure we were clean and washed us before bedtime. I never knew this was hygienic until that old rat bit me on my toe.

You gave unending reminders on the things that were so elementary.  I've always thought this was annoying until I forgot my umbrella somewhere.

You told me that Boyet was the only person who can stand my tantrums and mood swings.  Thank God I listened to you.

You taught me how to cook Sinigang and Pork Steak, I reluctantly obeyed; pots are always empty when I serve them to my family.

You held on to our wrists so tight when crossing the street, the blood could hardly pass through the veins.  I thought this was exaggerated when I almost lost Bea.

You cried every time papa uses his belt to discipline us.  I yell when Boyet does this to Bea and Hans (bad, I know!)

You preferred to look after us than be anywhere else without us. I never thought this was loving until I left work for my Bea and Hans.

Your world stopped to attend Recognition Days and made sure you hang those medals on our necks.  I never thought this was sweet until I see recipients with noone to accept the award with them.

It was you who taught me how to write good letters. It was you who patiently taught Sarah and I how to sing for the Lord. It was you who taught me the 66 books of the bible.  

You know when we're in pain even if we kept our silence.  You know when we're hungry and tired.

I appreciate you now that I am in your shoes.  I left work for my Bea & Hans.  I hope and pray that I can be more like you each day.

I love you Ma. Loida Isip dela Pena, my Mama.  Happy Mothers' Day!

Not That Woman

Reading across FB's News Feed, I learned that a girl-friend of mine had a promotion recently. I may be wrong, but I think this is her third promotion in 3 years. This is one big news and I am so happy for her!

"Why didn't I dream big like her: to manage an important account and handle a big group of people in all diversities?" And so, I wondered...

In my mind was a striking quote from the movie "You've Got Mail". Kathleen Kelly, played by, the great, Meg Ryan, said~

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void".

But as for me... I know the answer plain and simple... 

I am the eldest among grandchildren and it did seem "stardom" for me, then. You know what I mean about being a grandpa's girl?... all the attention and bribery on the side. My elementary years were my golden days. I studied in a public school:  a journalist-in-the-making, school representative in the yearly essay-writing-contest, consistent honor student. I even passed an acceleration exam which could have axed a year in my scholastic life. In college, there were semesters when I enjoyed free tuition. At work, some wouldn't want to let go of me and pledged to welcome me back. My life was a mixture of commendation and admiration balanced with spoonfuls of failures.

My first dream was to be an astronaut, can you imagine? I also wanted to be a ballerina. I wanted to sing on Broadway.

Say, I may have the brain, skill, and talent... but what do I lack?  Hmmm... courage. Yes, could be, and desire. To each, his own dream. But not everyone is able to reach his. For me, I did not create a clear-cut road to it. Watching "Glee" makes me admire the character of Rachel Berry, how she's willing to do everything to be a star. I could have been eager to go to several auditions, but I didn't. I wasn't like her.

I compare my friend's new role to being a female-president. Although hers was not as huge as bearing a country's problems, it still required tons of bravery, determination, and personal sacrifice.  Not every woman chooses to take on a big responsibility. Oh no, not me, thank you very much. I'm satisfied with governing my household and singing in the church choir.

If given the chance to live my life again, I'd still be a Kathleen Kelly and continue admiring the confidence of strong-willed women.

tic-toc-tic-toc

Not that woman; God created a different woman in me.

And He Wins... Again

Every day is a battle of authority between me and my son, Hans (6 yrs old).  Tomorrow's Bonifacio Day (Philippine Holiday) and the school decided to have the annual educational field trip in Thursday. Bottom line, classes will resume in Monday and the long weekend for those who will not join the activity spells tons of home work to compensate for the 3-day-rest. But Hans isn't moved by this, uh-uh.

Before today, we all agreed to follow the TV ad, "Study now, TV later" but he still plays deaf every time I remind him to do his home work. So, he's at bed by 7pm while Bea remained downstairs to watch her favorite series... a reward for being obedient and finishing all home works early. In the darkness of the room, I saw Han's sad face and so I explained why he's lying down the bed instead of enjoying the 42" Plasma TV his dad brought home yesterday. As expected, he promised to do his home works tomorrow (Tomorrow, when it should have been done earlier). Of course, I refused and explained again. Then he whispered, "Let's do them now". Sigh.

Ending. I couldn't ignore how angelic he speaks and looks when he's trying to get his way. He knows me too well and knows the exact words to say and he always wins.

Not being firm is bad parenting, I know. His attacks:

• He knows when to 'manipulate' me best~ when I'm all too focused at work, he'll climb up the room...
• His weapons~ hugs and kisses, lots and lots of 'em, and say, "Mommy, cd" (he meant, watch a movie)

My reaction: totally defenceless, all barriers down and destructed, ultimately say "yes" without thinking. When he's gone, then I restored sense but it was too late to take it back. He uses this strategy whenever he wanted to use the dvd player and play wrestling with him ("harutan" time). 

Pushed Away

Nurtured them from birth,
delighted by their firsts...
helped them stand on their feet-
answered their questions
Be their ONLY friend--
But when they started to go to school and gained friends of the same age
they'll start to push you away
she pushed me away... and preferred her girl friends (hmm.. chaka naman sila)


Told you from last time's post that I am not ready yet to move to the other room. I can't sleep without the feel of my kids' skin against mine.

This morning was the end of the 4-day Sportsfest at my kids' school. Parents were invited to witness the showcase of talents. It was so sunny, then it begun to drizzle, then sunny again... I was with Hans majority of the time as I hold a huge umbrella to keep him in shade. Then I decided to check on Bea and give her water. After the usual ritual of powdering her back and nose and giving her water, she said, "Mommy si Hans" and gave me the impression that she wanted me to go stay with Hans so she can mingle with her girl friends. This is her first (with angst @#$%). Actually, she prefers to be with Tita Ruth, but that's okay.

Bea is just eight and we have a long road ahead of us. I'm thinking... I really need to start counselling myself and accept the fact that I am just her steward. I remember my papa's speech on my bro's wedding, "Mayroong may-ari sa kanila [mga anak] at darating ang panahon na kukunin na sila ng [owners] nila."

I know it's too early for me to feel "empty". Am I menopausal?

"Cry It Out" Sleep Training ~ Nope!

One of the ugly-parenting-experiments I regret about is ~ "Cry It Out" Sleep Training I did with Bea! I hate myself for even considering it. I was a first time mom then, who thought that I would be a better parent and that MY parenting style was better than my mom's. Crap! I know.
I had this book-series about pregnancy to parenting and followed everything it said. After infancy, every night, I put Bea in her crib, in the other room, half-dark. She cried for me in the half-dark room but I ignored. I remember how my helper would run to the room to check on Bea and I had to tell her that I had things under control. Explaining it to her 'judging look' was EMBARRASSING. I felt something was crazy wrong.  My mom told me to stop following the book. I am a Filipino, western-type-of-parenting doesn't apply here.

The book said, this sleep training would raise 'secured'  and independent persons. Carry your babies to a minimal otherwise you're growing brats. Self-soothing will teach them that sleeping is not an option, and in turn, give everybody a good sleep... including me, the MOM who's "EXHAUSTED" the whole day taking care of her.

Doesn't this sound bitchy? It is now that I'm thinking about it. After all, I am her mom, for crying out loud, what else do I need and should do but to nurture and take care of her? Hours spent taking care of the baby is a blessing and not a big regret in life.  Yes, you get tired but it pays off. Sad that I realized this after seeing Bea's photo with poppy eyes, then I was slapped, shaken and woke up to end her horrible nights. I ACCEPTED that CO-SLEEPING was building kid's SECURITY, after all. How I was nurtured and raised, the Filipino-way, was in fact filled with LOVE.

"Kelan mo pa kakargahen at hahalikan ang anak mo, pag malake na siya?" [When are you supposed to carry and kiss your child, when she's grown?]~ THE BEST parenting advice for me! Time flies.

My mom used to say that Bea is an image of a 'happy' and 'secured' child: the exact words she said.  Is it safe to say that my cuddles, hugs and kisses painted this child in her?

I still CO-sleep with my kids (I don't find this embarrassing!). I co-sleep NOT because they're not secured with their own world but because I AM not SECURED. I can't sleep without the feel of their soft hands against mine. They're growing and we had to change our sleeping positions so the four of us would fit the bed. Sometimes, I would ask myself, when will I be ready to give them away to the other room. In my 8 years as a mom, I'm afraid, I still can't answer this question. I'm NOT READY yet. I guess, I think I'm just passing through this world, I have LIMITED time being an earthling and time is never enough for me to hug, kiss, and cuddle my gifts.