Thursday, October 27, 2011

Pushed Away

Nurtured them from birth,
delighted by their firsts...
helped them stand on their feet-
answered their questions

Be their ONLY friend--
But when they started to go to school and gained friends of the same age
they'll start to push you away
she pushed me away... and preferred her girl friends (hmm.. chaka naman sila)



Told you from last time's post that I am not ready yet to move to the other room. I can't sleep without the feel of my kids' skin against mine.

This morning was the end of the 4-day Sportsfest at my kids' school. Parents were invited to witness the showcase of talents. It was so sunny, then it begun to drizzle, then sunny again... I was with Hans majority of the time as I hold a huge umbrella to keep him in shade. Then I decided to check on Bea and give her water. After the usual ritual of powdering her back and nose and giving her water, she said, "Mommy si Hans" and gave me the impression that she wanted me to go stay with Hans so she can mingle with her girl friends. This is her first (with angst @#$%). Actually, she prefers to be with Tita Ruth, but that's okay.

Bea is just eight and we have a long road ahead of us. I'm thinking... I really need to start counselling myself and accept the fact that I am just her steward. I remember my papa's speech on my bro's wedding, "Mayroong may-ari sa kanila [mga anak] at darating ang panahon na kukunin na sila ng [owners] nila."

I know it's too early for me to feel "empty". Am I menopausal?



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Thursday, October 13, 2011

"Cry It Out" Sleep Training ~ Nope!

One of the ugly-parenting-experiments I regret about is ~ "Cry It Out" Sleep Training I did with Bea! I hate myself for even considering it. I was a first time mom then, who thought that I would be a better parent and that MY parenting style was better than my mom's. Crap! I know.
I had this book-series about pregnancy to parenting and followed everything it said. After infancy, every night, I put Bea in her crib, in the other room, half-dark. She cried for me in the half-dark room but I ignored. I remember how my helper would run to the room to check on Bea and I had to tell her that I had things under control. Explaining it to her 'judging look' was EMBARRASSING. I felt something was crazy wrong.  My mom told me to stop following the book. I am a Filipino, western-type-of-parenting doesn't apply here.

The book said, this sleep training would raise 'secured'  and independent persons. Carry your babies to a minimal otherwise you're growing brats. Self-soothing will teach them that sleeping is not an option, and in turn, give everybody a good sleep... including me, the MOM who's "EXHAUSTED" the whole day taking care of her.


Doesn't this sound bitchy? It is now that I'm thinking about it. After all, I am her mom, for crying out loud, what else do I need and should do but to nurture and take care of her? Hours spent taking care of the baby is a blessing and not a big regret in life.  Yes, you get tired but it pays off. Sad that I realized this after seeing Bea's photo with poppy eyes, then I was slapped, shaken and woke up to end her horrible nights. I ACCEPTED that CO-SLEEPING was building kid's SECURITY, after all. How I was nurtured and raised, the Filipino-way, was in fact filled with LOVE.

"Kelan mo pa kakargahen at hahalikan ang anak mo, pag malake na siya?" [When are you supposed to carry and kiss your child, when she's grown?]~ THE BEST parenting advice for me! Time flies.

My mom used to say that Bea is an image of a 'happy' and 'secured' child: the exact words she said.  Is it safe to say that my cuddles, hugs and kisses painted this child in her?

I still CO-sleep with my kids (I don't find this embarrassing!). I co-sleep NOT because they're not secured with their own world but because I AM not SECURED. I can't sleep without the feel of their soft hands against mine. They're growing and we had to change our sleeping positions so the four of us would fit the bed. Sometimes, I would ask myself, when will I be ready to give them away to the other room. In my 8 years as a mom, I'm afraid, I still can't answer this question. I'm NOT READY yet. I guess, I think I'm just passing through this world, I have LIMITED time being an earthling and time is never enough for me to hug, kiss, and cuddle my gifts.




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